Author: Adina

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We were in a commercial!

My in-laws are rad. Let’s start with that.

Over the winter me, Klaus, Keegan and Kylie all got to be part of a Poland Springs Commercial. This is all due to Keegan’s dad working for them, and having the commercial be about his climb to the top at the company. So they wanted his whole family there. There was us, Keegan’s brother and girlfriend, and of course mom.

Check it out!

 

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8 months and it’s a whole new world

8 months post partum here
I have been having a wonderful time being a mom until now. I was starting to make weight lifting progress, mma progress with a fight in sight for winter… Then I break my thumb. And then the kicker that I didn’t see coming. I hit some post partum depression. Finally. See I was waiting for it to happen. I struggled most of my life with depression, and I was waiting for it to happen. I guess it was delayed until now, which makes sense hormone wise (I am stopping breast feeding) it only makes sense my hormones are all messed up.
But I am just sad. Sad that I am not fighting. Sad I am not strong as I once was. Sad I can’t make it through more than 30 mins of a training session without the babe crying or needing something. Jealous that I cant do the things I love while I watch others progress. Jealous that I cant bring my amazing cat bagheera everywhere,like we used to, but we see everyone else getting to bring their pets with them.  Anxious about every little horrible thing that could go wrong in my child’s life. (No seriously my brain is like the movie Final Destination and the show 1000 ways to Die) I feel like everyone thinks I am a bad fighter. Or a bad mom. Or a bad athlete. Or a bad business owner. I just want to be the bad ass person I used to love. With athletic goals, and career goals. I am just a shell. I wish I didn’t feel this way…
Although, I am grateful to have my amazing son. He truly is the best. And it kills me to be so upset. Forever mom guilt.
At around 6 months postpartum I started to feel off. At the time I didn’t quite understand what it was, but then is made sense.  Anxiety. The kind where you don’t sleep for days, you don’t want to eat any more you worry about every single little thing on the planet. Things that never really made sense you’re not even sure why they matter for some reason they do. Then it was the Jealousy. Not typical jealousy, no. Jealous of RANDOM dumb shit. Jealous my cats are happier than me. Jealous Of people bike riding in peace. Yet I HATE bike riding. Eff that. But still jealous. I am still kind of spiraling here. Trying to bring back my former self one day at a time. Kids man..
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Oh snap, Klaus is 5 months

Little man is five and a half months and I am coming back hard at the gym.
Working with actual nutrition plans and strength plans and fight training plans. It’s nice to transition back into how things were, but it’s still very frustrating. I find that now that I’m doing a lot of lifting and strength training and going back into my harder powerlifting routine I feel very self-conscious. I used to walk into the weight room and feel on top of the world because I knew that I’d be deadlifting 270 that day and no other girl did that and I felt like a crazy badass cause then I go straight to my fighting gym after that and choke people out. Nowadays it’s hard for me to lift over 170 and I’m flailing around on the mats trying to figure out what my body is supposed to do. Pregnancy really changed a lot of things that I didn’t think it would, and it seems to be very frustrating. I walk into the gym and I have this constant feeling that everyone’s watching me and they’re all judging me, talking among themselves about how weak I got how bad of a fighter I got, how shitty I am. And it’s silly. That is all I think about every time I go to the gym, and I still think that I’m lesser than I was previously. And I know that I’m weaker, and slower, and a lot of my skills I’ve gotten Rusty. But I know with time and continuing on this plan of action I’m on, that all of my skills will come back. This may be frustrating now, but it will come back. Everyday I still hear those voices saying: “how weak you are, you suck, you’re slow, why can’t you get this, why can’t you figure this drill out”. But I know at the end of the day, each day is one step to get better and back to the old strong fighter I was. It is still exceptionally frustrating. At least it’s not my first time being at the bottom so I know that I can get there, and I know that I can exceed how I used to be, I can be in a lighter weight class, with more muscle and strength. I built an amazing foundation. It may have been torn down, but I can rebuild even stronger. I know how to gain muscle. I don’t have to learn everything like I did before. I have been fighting for most of my life. I just need to dust myself off.
Now it is just about gaining strength and sharpening my skills and mind.
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Two months, more ranting

2 months old now…
He is the best thing to happen to me. And it took me this long to feel that way.
Everyone says that as soon as your baby is born, the world changes and you have this rush of emotion of love that you never felt before. And yes there was a rush of emotion for me, and yes there was love from me, but it wasn’t until this to moment, that I really realized how Klaus was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have felt constant guilt for not being so emotional and “loving” to him or Keegan. I kept waiting for this rush of emotion all moms talk about. You know, when you just give birth and you hold your child the first time, and you are perfectly in love.That was not me. I hoped and waited for that to be me. But it was not. Not until now, 2 months later. And now it is unlike ANYTHING you could ever feel.
When I first gave birth I was basically hallucinating from not sleep for 38 hours. And then there was this alien in my hands. That I thought looked super weird and just was unlike anything I had been around really. (Not a baby person, sorry)
But I loved him, I knew he was mine, although I never knew his face all those 9 months. But somehow while pregnant, I never tried to envision what he might look like, or what this moment would be like. I was unprepared to say the least. Then all of a sudden your world is totally unfamiliar and everything you know is wrong and different and you never sleep, and all of your passions and interests are gone. And everything is alone. At least temporarily. And that is only how I felt.
But that diminishes and I finally started to see myself in Klaus, and that was when I started to feel closer. And then one day t 2 months old, my cat knocks down a plate onto his tiny head. We end up in ER (he was totally fine). I cried FAR more than he did. And the Dr couldn’t even understand me, they thought I was dying. But in that moment when he needed me and looked to me, and also wasn’t such a little crybaby bitch, I knew he was perfect. And my son. And the best thing ever, I WILL FIGHT YOU.
Okay… so long story short. Don’t feel guilty for not being the mother you are “expected” to be. Motherhood will never be like what you thought and that is okay. Roll with the punches.
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Holy Molly it’s been five weeks

Finally at 5 weeks postpartum I basically feel like myself again. I enjoy coffee thank God. For a long time I hated the taste and smell, and I missed it. Finally I drink it daily and I love it black, or whatever. Also the weather is getting better. Now that I’m seven pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight I’m starting to work out 3 times a week. Still getting sore but I feel better. Starting to take more martial arts classes. It’s hard enough to do without feeling weak, but I think I’ll be back to normal soon. I feel very good about my weight even with a little extra skin I know that it takes some time for that to tighten, hopefully. I keep getting hurt or have joint pain, especially with the hormone relaxin in me still, I need to take it easy. Which is very hard for me because I want to immediately go back into class. I missed sparring and rolling, but I can wait a few more weeks until my body is in better shape. I am back to tracking calories more steadily then I was in pregnancy. I still allow myself wiggle room because I’m not training for anything, just trying to to get back to normal and add some strength, AND be able to breastfeed. Some days I find it’s harder to create milk when I have lower calories or if I work out too hard. But in the long run everything will work itself out. I am surprisingly not worried about those things.  I feel very much like I/ my body was meant to do this and it is all good. Right now I’m 7 lb to pre pregnancy weight and I’m okay with that. Almost all of my previous clothes fit for the most part. Some just a little tight around the middle or I get a muffin top which is awful because I have always been pretty athletic for the most part.
Cheers to mommy life. It still feels weird AF to me