I have to be honest with myself and everyone. I did not want to compete in my most recent fight. I have not wanted to do much since, well, 9 months?
Call it postponed postpartum depression, hormone changes, or whatever. But I just am not me since having Klaus. Some days I am okay. And even when I am at the gym I can be mostly okay. But something just has not been right in my brain for a long time.
Which leads me to fighting. Fighting is and always has been my jam. Since the ripe age of 13. Give me any martial art and I will excel, fast. I am just naturally talented and have always been good at any of the arts. I know this, and yet, everyday at the gym I tell myself I am worthless trash. Sounds harsh and ridiculous, I know. Trust and believe, I know. I swear I have arguments with this voice in my head sometimes. Good versus bad. Darkness versus the light. And this is not just secluded to me and martial arts. I am this way with my businesses, being a mom, anything. I always have a terrible little voice inside trying to make me quit, give up. I just never do. I have will power from the Gods, truly.
But that doesn’t mean its any less taxing on my mental state. I strive for an unattainable perfection in all aspects. So when I need to sacrifice part of me to achieve some other goal. I fall apart.
For instance:
My fights since having Klaus came at a time when both me and Keegan left our safe, full time jobs, to follow our hearts and start businesses. Literally after having a baby. Crazy? Yes. Fun? maybe?….
So I tried to put my heart into being a new mom, a new business owner, a fighter, and MANY other side projects.
I have been stretching myself and Keegan so thin we started to dislike each other. We never fought until the last year. And now between parenting, both businesses, him being my fighting coach, and me helping him reach fight goals, we just couldn’t hang.
So now that you get the mental picture, all this going on behind the hazel eyes and smiling face. Some of you can see what was going on, and to that I thank you for silently helping me and always being there. Ya’ll rock.
This fight was just off. I mentally checked out of existing months ago. I just needed help and thought that if I made others happy, then I would be happy and find myself again. So I pushed and took a fight without passion. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE fighting. And it has been my dream to take a Thai fight. I just wish I waited until I was mentally there and not on a downward spiral into what could be another remake of the movie SuckerPunch.
I pushed, and trained hard. I dieted. I ran miles. I did all the hard work for a fight, physically. I really did. Fuck do I hate running. But I did it all. If I couldn’t be here mentally, I would be here physically. I was never nervous until the hours leading to my fight backstage. I just didn’t want to be there. I have never been afraid of pain. I never will. I welcome it. But the anxiety, stress and depression of “doing all the things” was worse than giving birth.
Fight day came and I had a million work emails, people looking for me and relying on me for their weddings, events, businesses etc. I just wanted to leave. I felt guilty. And the moment I realized I didn’t give a crap about this fight, all I cared about is emailing clients after, and the events I have coming up, and all the stuff that has been weighing me down, is when I knew I wasn’t going to win. I may be a really good and technical fighter, but none of that was showcased. And I knew it before I walked in.
Shit happens and life goes on. And I am not sorry I lost. I learned. I am a better fighter, and anyone knows that if they know me. But they might not know what demons I have going on. And that I was not handling them well.
I am learning to figure that all out as we go.
For now I need to prioritize my business and making money. I have house buying goals, weddings to plan, fighters to help, and shit to do. I will be back in there at some point when I am not silently screaming and floundering around like a entrepreneur fish out of too-much-shit-going on- water.
So now I feel a weight lifted. I don’t have the pressure to fight. I can finally enjoy it again. That is something I missed.
See you on the mats bitches.
p.s. Don’t treat an amateur Thai fight like an MMA fight. You lose a lot of points
