Little man is five and a half months and I am coming back hard at the gym.
Working with actual nutrition plans and strength plans and fight training plans. It’s nice to transition back into how things were, but it’s still very frustrating. I find that now that I’m doing a lot of lifting and strength training and going back into my harder powerlifting routine I feel very self-conscious. I used to walk into the weight room and feel on top of the world because I knew that I’d be deadlifting 270 that day and no other girl did that and I felt like a crazy badass cause then I go straight to my fighting gym after that and choke people out. Nowadays it’s hard for me to lift over 170 and I’m flailing around on the mats trying to figure out what my body is supposed to do. Pregnancy really changed a lot of things that I didn’t think it would, and it seems to be very frustrating. I walk into the gym and I have this constant feeling that everyone’s watching me and they’re all judging me, talking among themselves about how weak I got how bad of a fighter I got, how shitty I am. And it’s silly. That is all I think about every time I go to the gym, and I still think that I’m lesser than I was previously. And I know that I’m weaker, and slower, and a lot of my skills I’ve gotten Rusty. But I know with time and continuing on this plan of action I’m on, that all of my skills will come back. This may be frustrating now, but it will come back. Everyday I still hear those voices saying: “how weak you are, you suck, you’re slow, why can’t you get this, why can’t you figure this drill out”. But I know at the end of the day, each day is one step to get better and back to the old strong fighter I was. It is still exceptionally frustrating. At least it’s not my first time being at the bottom so I know that I can get there, and I know that I can exceed how I used to be, I can be in a lighter weight class, with more muscle and strength. I built an amazing foundation. It may have been torn down, but I can rebuild even stronger. I know how to gain muscle. I don’t have to learn everything like I did before. I have been fighting for most of my life. I just need to dust myself off.
Now it is just about gaining strength and sharpening my skills and mind.