Tag: fitmom

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Two months, more ranting

2 months old now…
He is the best thing to happen to me. And it took me this long to feel that way.
Everyone says that as soon as your baby is born, the world changes and you have this rush of emotion of love that you never felt before. And yes there was a rush of emotion for me, and yes there was love from me, but it wasn’t until this to moment, that I really realized how Klaus was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have felt constant guilt for not being so emotional and “loving” to him or Keegan. I kept waiting for this rush of emotion all moms talk about. You know, when you just give birth and you hold your child the first time, and you are perfectly in love.That was not me. I hoped and waited for that to be me. But it was not. Not until now, 2 months later. And now it is unlike ANYTHING you could ever feel.
When I first gave birth I was basically hallucinating from not sleep for 38 hours. And then there was this alien in my hands. That I thought looked super weird and just was unlike anything I had been around really. (Not a baby person, sorry)
But I loved him, I knew he was mine, although I never knew his face all those 9 months. But somehow while pregnant, I never tried to envision what he might look like, or what this moment would be like. I was unprepared to say the least. Then all of a sudden your world is totally unfamiliar and everything you know is wrong and different and you never sleep, and all of your passions and interests are gone. And everything is alone. At least temporarily. And that is only how I felt.
But that diminishes and I finally started to see myself in Klaus, and that was when I started to feel closer. And then one day t 2 months old, my cat knocks down a plate onto his tiny head. We end up in ER (he was totally fine). I cried FAR more than he did. And the Dr couldn’t even understand me, they thought I was dying. But in that moment when he needed me and looked to me, and also wasn’t such a little crybaby bitch, I knew he was perfect. And my son. And the best thing ever, I WILL FIGHT YOU.
Okay… so long story short. Don’t feel guilty for not being the mother you are “expected” to be. Motherhood will never be like what you thought and that is okay. Roll with the punches.
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Holy Molly it’s been five weeks

Finally at 5 weeks postpartum I basically feel like myself again. I enjoy coffee thank God. For a long time I hated the taste and smell, and I missed it. Finally I drink it daily and I love it black, or whatever. Also the weather is getting better. Now that I’m seven pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight I’m starting to work out 3 times a week. Still getting sore but I feel better. Starting to take more martial arts classes. It’s hard enough to do without feeling weak, but I think I’ll be back to normal soon. I feel very good about my weight even with a little extra skin I know that it takes some time for that to tighten, hopefully. I keep getting hurt or have joint pain, especially with the hormone relaxin in me still, I need to take it easy. Which is very hard for me because I want to immediately go back into class. I missed sparring and rolling, but I can wait a few more weeks until my body is in better shape. I am back to tracking calories more steadily then I was in pregnancy. I still allow myself wiggle room because I’m not training for anything, just trying to to get back to normal and add some strength, AND be able to breastfeed. Some days I find it’s harder to create milk when I have lower calories or if I work out too hard. But in the long run everything will work itself out. I am surprisingly not worried about those things.  I feel very much like I/ my body was meant to do this and it is all good. Right now I’m 7 lb to pre pregnancy weight and I’m okay with that. Almost all of my previous clothes fit for the most part. Some just a little tight around the middle or I get a muffin top which is awful because I have always been pretty athletic for the most part.
Cheers to mommy life. It still feels weird AF to me
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I have a Two Day Old

I no longer sleep. I check to see if he is alive every hour.
I have an overwhelming need to take him everywhere. I’m tired, hungry and sweaty/shaky. Its 5am and I can’t sleep since I wake up to every cute noise he makes. Sometimes wondering if I should wake him to feed him. Try, fail. Let him sleep longer and hopes that he will be hungry in an hour. I weigh 145. A 15lb loss and I look weird but I’m not that worried. I’m more worried about getting strength back and if I will ever feel normal. I’ve has bouts of so much love, and then, No emotion. Mostly from exhaustion. I am overwhelmed by everything and yet still feel like I should feel more. I just don’t feel anything.
I should sleep finally. Maybe cuddle the man next to me for the first time in months. Since God knows I miss and need him most. He made me a mom. And loves the jelly belly, but not so muscular anymore,  sweaty and crazy girl next to him.
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MMA mama 14 Weeks Pregnant

I have never thought about what pregnancy would be like. Until the last few years I never thought I would even have kids…
But here I am, 14 weeks pregnant.
Previously I had been so in touch with my body. From being an athlete for so long I can feel when things are running smoothly, or if I need more fuel, vitamins, water etc. If I am hitting goals or over training. I could feel what small differences made in my diet and training. Everything seemed to be in sync.
My body feels alien now. I went from lean abs and muscular arms, to a bloated tummy and fat accumulating everywhere. I can’t deadlift 270lbs, nor can I deadlift 160lbs for that matter. My squat is at 150 on a non vomiting day. And my clean and jerks are now done with just the bar. My one saving grace is that I know I can bounce back. In time…lots of time.
With this constant negativity there is some positive. I’m growing with a insatiable burn to compete. It kills me to watch the dieting girls going on stage. Or the other strawweight fighters getting in the cage and gaining more experience than I. But that doesn’t matter. My drive is doubling everyday and I am utilizing my off time. I’m doing my best to maintain muscle and I am still in every boxing, Thai, grappling class I can. It’s much slower and safer, but damned if I stop doing what I love.
At 14 weeks my belly is now to the point were nothing fits exactly right. Which is neat since I am a small person, and I know a human is growing, and frustrating. I need new clothes often and that only will get worse when I go into maternity. But I have come to enjoy the weight gain and growing belly. Even on days when nothing fits me and I look like a disheveled homeless person.
I can’t say I don’t “idolize” the fit preggo people posting about abs at 6 months. But hey I’m built differently than them. And I’m *teeth cringing* okay with it.
And in case anyone is wondering I am eating at maintenance still. Tracking  macros and still have a food diary. It is a little off some days, but hey whatevs.
I had days when I ate 2000 calories and days when I could only handle 500. Pregnancy was not awesome the first 10 weeks for me….