2 months old now…
He is the best thing to happen to me. And it took me this long to feel that way.
Everyone says that as soon as your baby is born, the world changes and you have this rush of emotion of love that you never felt before. And yes there was a rush of emotion for me, and yes there was love from me, but it wasn’t until this to moment, that I really realized how Klaus was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I have felt constant guilt for not being so emotional and “loving” to him or Keegan. I kept waiting for this rush of emotion all moms talk about. You know, when you just give birth and you hold your child the first time, and you are perfectly in love.That was not me. I hoped and waited for that to be me. But it was not. Not until now, 2 months later. And now it is unlike ANYTHING you could ever feel.
When I first gave birth I was basically hallucinating from not sleep for 38 hours. And then there was this alien in my hands. That I thought looked super weird and just was unlike anything I had been around really. (Not a baby person, sorry)
But I loved him, I knew he was mine, although I never knew his face all those 9 months. But somehow while pregnant, I never tried to envision what he might look like, or what this moment would be like. I was unprepared to say the least. Then all of a sudden your world is totally unfamiliar and everything you know is wrong and different and you never sleep, and all of your passions and interests are gone. And everything is alone. At least temporarily. And that is only how I felt.
But that diminishes and I finally started to see myself in Klaus, and that was when I started to feel closer. And then one day t 2 months old, my cat knocks down a plate onto his tiny head. We end up in ER (he was totally fine). I cried FAR more than he did. And the Dr couldn’t even understand me, they thought I was dying. But in that moment when he needed me and looked to me, and also wasn’t such a little crybaby bitch, I knew he was perfect. And my son. And the best thing ever, I WILL FIGHT YOU.
Okay… so long story short. Don’t feel guilty for not being the mother you are “expected” to be. Motherhood will never be like what you thought and that is okay. Roll with the punches.